A bit history, to get ride of a primal fear.
By Jacob Dobbs aka AndCups

A bit history, to get ride of a primal fear.

ok, i have no idea whats compelled me to start sharing my childhood but i will.
when i was young, my dad owned small office out of town. for reason i dont
remember he took me to work with him one day, being about 4-5 i complained
constently about how it was boring, that i was bored, this was lame. in his
office there was this computer (a E machine, windows 95 for those of you that
remember those) i think to get me to shut up he booted up Red Alert 1 (my first
ever video game, doom 2 was my second but at the time scared the shit out of
me) an RTS it cemented my love for RTS single handedly, to this day there my
favorite.



(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Command_and_Conquer:_Red_Alert) 



i was instantly hooked, i played it silently for about 5 hours. he started to
get worried, kicked me off and took me home (2 hour drive) after that i was
begging him to take me to work with him very often, it worried my mom. i found
out my uncle william (nicked named uncle skull, or just skull, hes a troll and
would rather watch me be confused then tell me why) owned the newer games by
the same company, Red Alert 2 and Tiberum sun, the week we visit him that year
i did NOTHING ELSE but play them on his sexy new windows 2000 :P (i think my
time frames are right but i dont remember everything clearly).



after this my family knew i had a passion for video games, i wouldnt stop
playing until forced. my mom got a windows 2000 at home for writting and when
she wasnt using it i was, she didnt want me to play "violent games" and said
they were bad for me, so she had bought me this educational game called "amazon
river", clue finders and sim theme park. i played sim theme park the most as it
didnt make me learn shit, and looking back i was fucking horrible, my ride
researcher never kept there jobs and i couldnt figure out why (i left there pay
at default 6.75 and hour, and forced them to work max hours; 90 :P) 



soon after my dads office went down the tube and the 95 came home, and with it
came doom 2 and red alert 1. i must have sunk HUNDREADS of hours into those
games, after a while he simply gave me the computer and started sharing my
moms, some time later it melted and i got a hold of my moms (now out dated)
2000, at this point they said i was old enough to get games, so i did chores
for money and worked up my archive. red alert 2 and its expansion pack, tiberan
sun and its expansion, and Starcraft brood war followed. as did alot of my
devolpment around them. 



about a year went by, we moved into flagstaff and with it got dial up, but i
didnt use it much as the idea of playing vs people didnt interest me yet. there
used to be this show on G4 tv (back when it was cool) called robot wars, it was
a british run compition where engineers built remote control robot and pitted
them against each other in brutal to the death combat in an obstical filled
arena infront of a screaming crowd. i watched this show every weekend sense i
first saw it, adjusting my gaming to fit it. it was the first time my weekend
plans had changed in years, i started to become interested in compition, the
idea of winning started to grow in my head as did my quest for improvement,
knowing the show would be gone by the time i was old enough to do anything with
it, and knowing we were to poor to sink hundreads into a robot that would
likely get owned, i started to put the two together, were there competive video
game tournaments?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqNYtI-0O2s



i started frantically searching for videos of tournaments involving the games i
owned, nothing until i hit the last game on my list. starrcaft brood war, it
saw little play from me compared to the others as the controls were hard for me
to master and the computer AI was very brutal. i found them, hundreads and
hundreads of videos, most in korean and they were casted, just like the
football games my dad wanted me to watch with him. i watched a few, frustrated
at how slow our internet was, before giving up. 





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7WNM0GIQpw



after about 3 days i got the courage up to try and play games online, i made a
battle net account 'BlackNova' and took some time to figure out the way the
online worked, over the next few months i had my ass torn apart by many
different strangers on the internet. it was amazing to me how skilled they
were, how the talked about the game, everything was balanced on a knife edge.
but i keeped playing, i was frustrated, having a 10% win rate. 



one day though i took a step, i was idling in the main US chat room when
someone asked for to 1v1, i looked at his account, simalar to mine. i hadnt
played all morning, feeling confident i accepted his offer and we made a public
game, he joined along with 6 observers, it was a Pvp. i decided to try and copy
something i saw a pro gamer do (a reaver drop, loading reavers into a shuttle,
and using there splash damage to kill large numbers or workers) while i was
telling my probes to mine and starting my pylon i calculated what the timings
should be in my head, and followed though, the strategy worked perfectally, i
wrecked his econamy in less then 20 seconds, and escaped with my reaver before
his dragoons arreived. with no money we was forced to attack me and try to win,
i grouped my reaver with my army and crushed his in the middle of the map, he
GGed and left.after the game i got a private message, it was from one of the
observers that was in that game, he said we was impressed with the smoothness
of my build order and exicution and offered to recrute me into his clan, clan
[sK] or 'Silent knights' i accepted excitedly. we made a private game, we said
his friend would play me, within 15 minutes my forces were being overrun and i
was down 3 bases, i sighed, knowing it was over and surrendered. his friend
said my build was solid and they discide to accept me. i made a new account
[sK]Nova, and joined the clan chat channel, it was full of people, more then
100 of them. they recruter had informed them ahead of time so they already knew
who i was, and wanted to see my play. 





a player named "SleepingDrone" asked to play me, i accepted, very nervice. it
turned into a 30 minute ZvP during the course of which, he destroyed my main
base but i kept on fighting, refusing to loss. the highlight of the game was
when i managed to use an arbiter to teleport 25 dragoons into his base (an idea
i had thought up during the game to try and come back, later finding out it was
very commonly used in pro play, i thought i was being creative) the force got
slaugtered and i surrendered. i was scolded for "bad manners" "not leaving when
i was clearly beaten" by the clan members, SleepingDrone simply said GG and
left the channel. at the time to idea of surrender was completely foregn to me,
i fought to the last man, my dad had told me doing that was "noble." (the next
time i saw sleeping drone again i challanged him, i attempted a zealot rush,
which he easy stopped, then killed me with lurkers, i never saw him again after
that.)



(only this year i actually found out that SleepingDrone was Day[9], an
INCREABLY good player, he went to EVERY world cyber games up until 2007, making
top 8 at least and winning 05 first place against Xellos a korean pro gamer,
right now he is the number 1 requested SC caster in the world and is the face
of Esports)





i kept playing with them and practicing, i managed to play a number of people
that would later turn into pro gamers. Machine, i very intimadating and
ruthless terran and Idra, at the time he was about a B ranking on 'ICCUP' the
unoffical ranking system. both killed me like i was a kid throwing rocks at a
dragon. but i kept going, getting more and more upset with my self over the
coarse of about a year. but dispite that i was improving, i was starting to
understand the game better but it felt like i was learning so slow, players i
had played against where becoming pros when i was being left in the dust, i
felt so weak, no matter how hard i tried or good i played everyone was better.
this was during my 8th grade year, the most rough year of my life ( i was a
socially awkward nerdy kid struggling with my hormones, surrounded by jocks,
forced into a special class for people with autism with an abusive incompatent
teacher). i was depressed constently, but never told my parents out of that
same primal fear, i was worried it would make it worse.





when i was a freshman in highschool, the clan was disbanded. after that, with
my practice buddies and sense of community gone, i stopped playing, spending my
days Obsing games, and watching vods. this sounds really dorky but it was
torcherous to me, i secretally (and still do) want to be a pro gamer.  im still
angry at my self for giving up after sK disbanded. i had a fucking chance to be
a pro, but i gave up and i hate it. i gave up on starcraft after about 5
months, moving back to red alert and tiberan sun for the first time in
years.



my mom got me a new computer with her tax refund (i think she saw depression
seeping through everything i did and was trying to help me, i computer helped
me before) (its the computer i still use right now) at the time it was top of
the line, able to easily handle everything out on the market, but i just played
read alert watched vods. i had a thought, i remembered the casters on the Vods,
i thought, maybe if i cant be a gamer i can be a caster. i pirated some video
recording and editing software, contected (and annoyed) a existing semi
popular, and very funny caster Named "GrethSC" trying to get him to shout me
out, and draw veiwers to my growing channel, he did grudgingly. at my peak i
had a grand total of 140 subcribers, and 300 videos, i had casted the entire
Shan Han korean pro league. but i never got any more popular, i was lossing
subs rapidly, i contacted more casters. Psionic Reaver, Husky SC, Collera SC,
weasive 'AKA' Combat EX and Greth again. Greth politely told me to fuck off,
Psi gave me tips but never made a shout out video for me, Husky never replied,
niether did Collera. (greth has moved on from youtube, psi disbanded his
channel and deleted his videos, collera simply disappered, and combat ex
stopped posting) depressed again at being shot down, i stopped posting,
watching my subs drindle to 45 but to upset to keep trying, my youtube became
inactive, and i didnt look at it for about 8 months.





by this time i was gathering friends in highschool, i met scott shaffer early
9th grade (this all happened about the same time) in a drafting class, he was
assigned as my partner in a group project, we talked (he had no idea how to use
CAD, so i was doing all the work) and the subject turned to gaming, i asked him
if he heard of starcraft before and he looked at me questiongly and said "i
fucking love that game" he instantly became my friend, we hung out at lunch
with my first ever friend William ketterer, from there i was introduced to
scotts friend, Blaine Schick, then i was accepted into there group which
included, Austin wilhelm, Tyler Rummary and Dufek. i kept my passion secret
from them, displaying it as an accute interest in video games, accept for
scott, though i was very slow to tell him how far it extended.



about half way through ninth grade i found out about a gaming club hosted in
the navajo classroom at lunch, one of austins freinds would bring in his xbox,
everyone (but him, fucking prick) would take turns playing, i rarely got picked
and preformed poorly when i did. when i first went there halo 2 was the item of
the day, same 3 maps first to 20 kills TDM. at the time i knew NOTHING about
halo. it then progressed to gears of war 1, then halo 3 before the club was
shut down. the downfall came when Scott and Blaine started talking shit, they
challanged each other, the loser would be the others "man bitch" for the rest
of the day and be stripped of there rank ( this was tuesday JROTC had everyone
wear uniforms on tuesday). there was a substitue teacher that day. the
challange was a best of 3 gears of war match on Clock tower, no respawns,
Blaine won round 1 by grabbing the snipper rifle quickly and killing scott when
he poped out of cover, round two went to scott, whom learned from his mistake
and ambushed blaine at the sniper rifle, killing him with the shotgun before
blaine could react. by this time lunch was oh most over, the energy in the room
was amazing, it felt like i was back at the clan Obsing an epic game, i was
excited.



the sub had come back to the room after spending lunch elsewhere, just in time
for the last round. they met mid map, gun fire was exchanged, scott remained
calm, blaine was nervice, he attempted to flank, scott stopped him, dug in
stubbernly, inbetween blaine and the sniper rifle. they exchanged pop shots for
about 30 seconds before blaine got impassant, he throw a smoke nade and charged
into it at scott with his shotgun. scott cought him rounding the corner in full
sprint and sliced him up with the chainsaw baynet. blaine screamed 'FUCKING
BITCH NIGGER" and throw the controller, everyone cheered and congradulated
scott, the teacher looked like she was going to throw up and left the room
(only i seemed to notice) blaine grudgingly handed over his shoulder ranks,
claiming scott got lucky. i was so proud of him, but jealous that i had never
won anything of the sort, even though it was just a petty conflict i buried it
deep with the rest of my frustration.





through out the next 2 years i went through a number of social changes,
becoming more versed then before, going through the date and brake up phase
every highschooler does, but out of school i continued to be frustrated and
sad, putting up with my controlling grandpa whom was living with us, playing a
game that i loved but hated because i could never be part of the sport. Esports
took off, over those two years the tournaments got bigger and bigger, the pros
that were at the top fell and were replaced. i saw Boxer, my personal favorite
player of all time, the nick named 'emperor' get knocked off his throne by a
zerg named Savior. Savior was famous for his rebelousness and bad boy image, he
wore a biker jacket over his team uniform and often puffed him self up infront
of the other timid korean gamers, intimadating them. later we was removed from
his stolen throne by an even more bad mannered terran player named FirebatHero
at the MSL grand finals infront of all of korea. (he left his booth then
preform a dance on stage infront of everyone, very non professna, but very
entertainingl)



during this time scott came over to my house, and challanged me, i felt like a
little kid again, being challanged by someone i love, and wanting to win more
then anything. we played a PvT on TouCross, i 3 player MSL map from 07, i beat
him, he left them game no gg (not knowing sc edicite) and congradulated me, i
had won something, FINALLY i had won against someone i could see. then his eyes
narrowed and he grins "again" 



i slowly started to slip out of the scene, watching vids less and less
regularly, spending my free time on youtube and Generals (the newest game from
westwood, after EA took them over) and playing halo 3 with my friends on our
new xbox. then i remember it clear as day, me, my sister, mom and grandpa were
watching the news, something to do with Obama, when a Ad for starcraft 2 came
on TV, my grandpa laughed at it while me mom and sister looked at me, i was
wide eyed and still, i cant explain it but it was like i was a second chance,
all the pro gamer dreams clawed into my mind like a a zombie vengeful on the
one who had buried it there. i shot up from the couch and ran to my room, and
booted up starcraft brood war, the chat was flooded with people talking about
it. i joined the sK channel out of some sort of blind hope, empty except for
the Bot that gave u your ping when you entered. 38.



i joined an obs game, but put my self in the player slot for the first time in
oh most a year, the gasme started, my hands were shaking, but the second it
went to the actually game my hands remember everything, all the hotkeys,
builds, strategys, meta game. it all flooded back, i remember everything. i was
driven, i wanted to be a pro again, i knew that starcraft broodwar was not my
game, it was to evolved and i was two behind. the game was a blur, i dont
remember the details, but it was less then 15 minutes. i remember him typing
'GG' or good game, the starcraft term for surrender and leaving as my dragoons
and reavers broke is line of tanks in the middle of the map. i remember that
first reaver drop i did, being recrute, and then all my mistakes, giving up and
i feel dorky saying this but i made a fucking promise to my self, that i will
never step in the way of my own passion again. and i still stand by that now, i
want this more then anything, i cant explain it. but i got back to practicing
on ladder after that, made a new account [sK]lacrimosa (laten for to cry, it
reminds me of how hard i need to try) and by the time the game was released i
had a record of 135 wins and 70 losses, 8 disconnects (i went back while
writting this to look, weird feeling seeing the old starcraft menu)day the game
was release i was in gamestop at 10, got my copy went home and installed it, i
was impressed by the interactive installer, reviewing the plot. the game booted
reviewing a ranked match making system with 4 leagues (at the release the
leagues only went up to platnum) cloud game saves, but annoyed by the lack of
chatrooms and no lan support. i clicked find match, picked protoss and won the
first game i played... the game felt so smooth, the units acted sensably,
probes started to mine on there own.so i wrote this mostly so people can
understand me better, people i care about like my family and close friends, my
theo... i need you guys to understand what pushes me, i dont know why but i
need it, something pushes me to be understood when im alone late at night, to
tired to do anything but ponder. you guys are so important to me and i dont act
like it. thanks